The Journey of Decentering Men from Your Life

A spiritual and personal evolution

Masculine energy this, feminine energy that. Since 2020, there has been a bigger pandemic than Covid-19 ; a return to repackaged misogynistic ideals and behaviours. The so-called “feminine coach” built entire fraudulent careers and personas based on internalized misogyny and patriarchal ideologies. Their weak defence ? “We’re doing this for women”. The issue is, women do not need more advice on how to deal with men, we need a complete detachment from that discourse and new perspectives to build our life on.

Unfortunately, I have said it and I will say it again : straight women choose their own misery. For this particular reason, since 2021, I have developed ways that help me decentralize men from my life. Decentering men from your life goes beyond your dating life (although it benefits your love life greatly). This journey has allowed me not only a deeper reconnection toward myself, but also toward my spiritual evolution.

I do not need more advice on how to attract a certain man, I do not picture an imaginary man doing things for me, the attraction (we are humans, of course) is obviously always present, but it is my choice to decide what I do with it, and in the end I never centre this attraction toward men to create my identity and evolution.

Decentering Romance and Dating

I have always been a hopeless romantic, however, in the West, hopeless romantic is synonymous of being treated like a doormat. Women jump up and down, go out of their way, beg and cry to be treated as subject of desire. As a professional tarot reader, I have noticed that women always ask if a potential partner likes/loves them; the desire to be loved is greater than love itself. I have had women tell me they are not sure if they like a certain person, but they only seek to know if the other person actually likes them. I am not here to give a lesson of ethics to these women, but this behaviour comes from a constant fear of rejection from men and a continuous search for male validation. It is no longer about love, it is a race for acceptance.

The more I witnessed similar behaviours, the more I tried to examine similar patterns I have carried within me. I concluded that I need to completely cut myself off from that world, even in terms of my female friendships, I tried to distance myself from friends who constantly talk about men/their search for romantic partnership with men. My method, of course, may seem radical, but it allowed me to rediscover myself outside of the confinements of romantic expectations. Not only I managed to build a stronger sense of self, I also attracted friendships that were not built around male validation and instant gratification.

I did not want to wake up one day at 35 and find out that I have been running after love my entire twenties, neglecting my own essence in the end. Many women I have met through my work as an astrologer and tarot reader have told me that they completely reconstructed their lives after spending most of their twenties running after a man to “make him act right”. Whether you get that ring or not, what can you do for yourself in the meantime ? And how can you become a good partner to yourself first ?

The Labours of Straight Women

“Checking his following”

“Did he reply yet”

“Should I text first or should he”

“Checking his comments”

All of this translates to wasted emotional labour coming from women. Social media has not made this process easier, relationships have turned into a commodity and straight women use social media accounts as investigative platforms that cause even more anxiety. Men are not innocent but why do we, as women, constantly pick another battle that men should be fighting first. If we constantly see partnering up with a man as the ultimate milestone, then we are constantly in this loop trying to make it work with the next partner who shows us a bit of attention. Decentering men (and even rejecting the idea of romantic partnership in your 20s) is a radical way to not invest your energy into futile romantic ventures and mediocre social media investigations. And if you are really eager to be partnered, then simply have more than one option. He has another romantic interest ? Then have 3 more (and introduce them to him even.)

I do not condone playing games or emotional manipulation, but if you are a smart woman, you are never putting all your eggs in one basket & giving up everything you built for yourself. When the tables turn, show them that men can also be just for a good time and not a long time !

Spiritual Healing

Obviously, with the right healthy approach, decentralizing men from your life can be highly spiritually rewarding. When you decide to do it, you will be pushed to establish methods of shadow work, to help you get out of past patterns. Fear of abandonment, insecurities, body image issues, validation are recurring themes when it comes to women trying to detach themselves from romantic expectations. The truth is, this will never be an easy process, but it could become a rewarding one. Removing those self-imposed restrictions to please men will allow you to tap into a higher version of who you are, perhaps even unlocking some spiritual “gifts” along the way. You will find yourself rediscovering some “quirks” about who you are that were repressed before, out of fear of being rejected. In addition to that, exploring your body/physical appearance outside of the paradigms of sexuality and attraction from the opposite sex allows a deeper sense of who you are in your body, which then also transforms your psyche and the relation between the two. It is extremely awakening to see your body as more than a simple vehicle for desire, you are able to slowly establish a spiritual discipline and corporeal strength. You will begin to take care of your body, not for the sake of it being received by others, but for the sake of your own evolution within it.

Again, this process takes time and you must be dedicated to discover the steps on your own and at your own pace. In addition to that, you will be able to regulate your emotions better, and this emotional regulation is essentially done when you relearn how to refocus on yourself and things within your control, instead of focusing your emotions on a romantic partner or romantic expectations.

Last words

This post is absolutely not a way to discourage you about love, love is a divine experience and sometimes it is great to experience it as it is instead of projecting it into a particular person/result.

The more you practice healthy detachment, the better you will feel about love and yourself in general, especially if you are a young woman in your twenties. Western society, specifically, has conditioned to be lonely, alienated from our communities; in the end, we decide to search for that sense of belonging within a romantic interest, and we blame ourselves and them when they fail to give us the love we are looking for. Nurture your love outside of romantic expectations, and if you are a straight woman, stop spoon-feeding men the teachings they must discover on their own !

And… Happy Libra Season

Salma