Venus in Capricorn #2: Lover, I Am Not Your Mother

But I could be your teacher

“Mother says there are locked rooms inside all women; kitchen of lust, / bedroom of grief, / bathroom of apathy. / Sometimes, the men — they come with keys, / and sometimes, the men — they come with hammers.”

Warsan Shire, “The House,” Her Blue Body.

I am growing tired of seeing broken adults, and specifically broken men. I am not responsible for their healing but sometimes I feel their inner child reaching for my hand, no matter how hard I try to push it away. I push it away for my own wellbeing, for my own stability, and for my own commitment toward my inner child.

I lived a life around women who were committed to heal and nurture each other, because they realized very early that their male partners could not reciprocate certain emotional needs. As I was growing attached to the stoic but sentimental women in my life and explored womanhood on my own, I could not bear to see the lack of this solidarity amongst men, I wanted to blame them but my soul ached for them instead. Even when men hurt me directly and indirectly, I looked for ways to understand their pain. To not lose myself in this process, I promised myself to build boundaries strong enough to prevent me from overcommitting to their pain and their healing. Instead of feeling responsible for their healing, before taking their hand and guiding them through their own emotional lack and needs, I started leading by example. I believe that men have a lot to learn from women, and when they open themselves to learn without belittling themselves or belittling their female counterparts, beautiful things happen.

When it comes to my personal relationships, my lovers are drawn to my wild side, and to their surprise they discover that I have never lost my nurturing nature (which I will never give up on). Straight men grow up imposing categories to women — to them, there is either the mother or the whore. When they limit women, they only end up limiting themselves in the process. They seek lust and love in different places, completely forgetting that one leads to the other. The majority of men in our day and age are more miserable than women, but they refuse to admit it. They are stuck in hegemonic masculinity, meanwhile women find ways to build a sanctuary for themselves. Even if they do not admit it, men envy women for that safe haven they have created among one another, and while we cannot escape the patriarchy, women have the *privilege* of existing in its peripheries. Women will continue to laugh, to weep and to grieve together. Many times, we will wait for men to join us, but they will not, no matter for how long we offer them solace.

I realize there are many sociocultural expectations from men, but I also invite you, men, to be open to learn. Allow yourself to be loved, allow yourself to cry in front of your partner, allow yourself to grieve as long as you need to and allow yourself to reciprocate vulnerability. It will be a long process to unlearn and learn again, but it will save you and eventually save the women around you. If you are so motivated by the need to be a hero and a saviour, start with yourself and your fellows.

And to my past and potential lovers who identify as men, I am not your mother and I am not your whore. I am human just like you are, sometimes I make mistakes, just like you. Often, I feel constrained by your masculinity, I want to love you fully and casually, I want to give you flowers and receive more flowers back, I want to hold your hand and help you cross the street, I want to guide you and be guided in return, I want to make you laugh until your stomach hurts and compliment your hair when you are getting ready. I commit myself to your healing as I commit myself to my own, I open myself to empathy and I invite you to join me.

Fill my cup, and I will fill yours. Drink from my cup as I drink from yours.

With love always,

Salma